9.3.13

Different day, same struggle

Slow motion as time slips through my knuckles//
Nothing beautiful about it, no light at the tunnel//
- "Ten Thousand Hours" by Macklemore


Anyone who knows me is fully aware that this hasn't exactly been an award-winning year for me. To say it has had its ups and downs, would be to put it lightly.

But at the end of the day, it's just one year. Nothing more, nothing less.

Has it changed me?

Absolutely.

Does it continue to change me?

Without a doubt.

In fact, I find it has changed me so immensely that I'm not even sure who I am some days.

From an outgoing, social, confident individual with motivation, charisma and confidence to a withdrawn, antisocial, questioning individual with no inspiration, a lack of character and a severe lack of confidence -- that is where I stand some days.

It's a reflection I see in the mirror and wonder whether I'm trapped in a nightmare or stuck in a chapter of life that can't end soon enough. No matter how hard I try to turn to that final page, it's like the last few are stuck together.

To say that I'm better would be accurate. But how is the word "better" to be defined?

The other day someone asked how I was doing. I responded with the most accurate and true answer I could give, "I have good days and bad days."

To this I was responded with, "Well it seems like you're having more good days more often."

I would be lying if I said anything other than this shocked me...because it certainly doesn't feel that way.

After thinking about things for a few days, I can only come to two conclusions:

  1. People who think they know me don't actually know me as well as they think they do and I have become much better at masking my true state; and,
  2. The number of people who do truly know me is shrinking.
Why do I say this?

The guy that I am would never enjoy time at home, alone, hiding from social contact, more than he enjoyed being out and about, having a good time meeting new people and experiencing new things. 

But right now and for the past two months I need to convince myself to leave the house because I don't want to experience what seems to be out there awaiting me. 

If that is a "good day" then I don't know what I have to do to find great days. 

So to say I am better might be accurate in the sense that I have come to accept the current state I am in. Personally, I don't think that actually makes me better. Acceptance and improvement are two very different things.

Either way, I try to keep slugging away. Whatever happens to me at the end of this all, I know that each day continues to shape the person I am and the person I will become. Just what the end result is, I guess I'll have to wait and see.

I can only hope something positives comes of all this.




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